Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners

175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, _That I ought not to pray to God_, _for prayer was not for any in my case_; _neither could it do me good_, _because I had rejected the Mediator_, _by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father_; _and without Whom_, _no prayer could come into His presence_: _wherefore now to pray_, _is but to add sin to sin_; _yea_, _now to pray_, _seeing God has cast you off_, _is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before_.

177. _For God_ (saith he) _hath been weary of you for these several years already_, _because you are none of His_; _your bawlings in His ears_, _hath been no pleasant voice to Him_; _and therefore He let you sin this sin_, _that you might be quite cut off_; _and will you pray still_? This the devil urged, and set forth that in _Numbers_, when _Moses_ said to the children _of Israel_, _That because they would not go up to possess the land_, _when God would have them_, _therefore for ever after He did bar them out from thence_, _though they prayed they might with tears_. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar_, _that he may die_; even as _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer_. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_ would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!

179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I have rejected them_. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, _Pray not for him_, _for I have rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: _Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues thereof_?

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, _He thought so too_. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

[Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]

181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, _That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to displeasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we might be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.

182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_, _and who can turn Him_! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_. Acts iv. 12.

183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_, _the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_, _despised_, _and abused_. _This is the only Saviour_, _the only Redeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in your heart_, Let Him go, if He will. _Now_, _therefore_, _you are severed from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His goodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. _The dread of them was upon me_, _and I trembled at God’s Samuels_. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my loss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_, _He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my sin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_; _neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when He hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from heaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity me_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; _Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more dominion over Him_. Rom. vi. 9.

186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed, _But in all these_, _I was as those that jostle against the rocks_; _more broken_, _scattered and rent_. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation! _This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead_; _that is always crying out_, _and cutting himself with stones_. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.

187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.

188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself with a grievous sigh, _How can God comfort such a wretch_! I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: _This sin is not unto death_. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, _Lord_, _how couldst Thou find out such a word as this_! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; my fears before _were_, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if _this sin_ is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they.

189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.

190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love_. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I will love thee for ever_.

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.

193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should stand_? _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be feared_. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_, _that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their transgressions_.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy mouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my refreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me think what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find no such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_. John x. 35.

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. _For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted of the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and have tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_, _if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_. Heb. vi. 4–6. _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_, _which shall devour the adversaries_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _As Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_. _For ye know how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

199. For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_, yet I was glad it was but _for many days_. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That neither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but in vain to pray_. Yet, thought I, _I will pray_. _But_, said the tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_. Well, said I, _I will pray_. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, _I will pray_. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_, _Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ’s blood_, _is sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst_? _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing Thou wilt and canst_.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no more_? _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_? _Doth His promise fail for evermore_? _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_? _Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies_? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’_Tis a question whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, _Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He is able_. But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about _the sufficiency of grace_, and _that_ of _Esau’s_ parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as _My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there against me_? _There are but three or four_; _And cannot God miss them_, _and save me for all them_? Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it were not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_! And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209. Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and _John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_, _one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_, _but you have cast away yourself_. _There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is impossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x. _And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God_, _than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21. _For the Scriptures cannot be broken_. John x. 35.

210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul_? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of _Esau_, then tormented. Lord, thought I, _if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them would get the better of me_. So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about _Esau’s_ birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_. James ii. 13.

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8–11. _Mark_ ix. 5–7. _John_ vi. 37. Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_ must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.

215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; _And him that cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, _in no wise_! As who should say, _By no means_, _for nothing whatever he hath done_. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and such as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had done_. But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no such exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out_. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in _John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the wicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Then that scripture gave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_. Heb. xiii. 5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, _but I have left Thee_. Then it answered again, _But I will not leave thee_. For this I thanked God also.

217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with _Joseph’s_ brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in _Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not the wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_. Wherefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.

220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, _Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin_, _yet after that to receive_, _though but the least_, _true spiritual comfort from God though Christ_? The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—

221. _First_, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; _For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _Secondly_, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: _It shall never be forgiven him neither in this world_, _neither in the world to come_. Matt. xii. 32. _Thirdly_, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.

222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came to the sixth of the _Hebrews_, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling _quite away_; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. _Secondly_, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as _to put Christ to an open shame_. _Thirdly_, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: _It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance_. By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

_First_, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.

_Secondly_, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to _shame_ by my sin, but not to open _shame_; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.

_Thirdly_, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!

224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the _Hebrews_, and found that the _wilful sin_ there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too. _Secondly_, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, _verse_ 28. _Thirdly_, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.

225. And as touching that in the 12th of the _Hebrews_, about _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, _First_, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. _Secondly_, It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. _Thirdly_, He continued to slight his birthright: _He did eat and drink_, _and went his way_: thus Esau _despised his birthright_, yea, twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esau said, _I have enough_, _my brother_, _keep that thou hast unto thyself_. Gen. xxxiii. 9.